My Trunk Holds More Than a Spare
I'm known in small circles for a couple of distinct characteristics: a realistic outlook that sometimes borders on jaded... a horrible fashion sense... great-smelling cologne... sarcasm that is sometimes taken too seriously... a foul mouth... no-subject-off-limits conversation... and, obviously, the ability to talk openly about myself.
One characteristic for which I am not known at all is patience. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm known for having none. It drives me crazy when I can't get to something... or figure something out... or when I'm forced to wait on someone else. I hate it when people pull out in front of me on the road. I hate it when the speed limit is 50 and the person in front of me drives 25.
It should come as no surprise then that, when a woman in front of me at the store today let her three children run amok all about me, I was irritated.
Now before this gets filed away under "Bitter Rant" in the file cabinet, let me elaborate a little. These kids were not just being rowdy. They were being down right bad. One of them was picking up glasses and tossing them in the air. Mom said stop... the kid kept on. One of them was putting every single stick in a box of suckers into his mouth. Mom said stop... the kid kept on (side note: eww). The third one was screaming at the other two to stop because "mom said so". I wanted to pull her aside and say "sweetie... if they don't listen to mommy, they're not going to listen to you either". So you see, I believe myself to be justified in hating these kids and their lackluster parent.
When it was time for me to leave, the spawn were just then getting to the door as well because mom had to literally pull them all slowly from the store. I actually beat them to the door. Being the gentleman that I sometimes am, I opened the door for them and said "let me help you" to ma. She looked at me with the used and abused eyes of a mom in over her head and said "I don't think anyone can help me". I laughed in agreement and told her that I had rope in the trunk of my car if she wanted some. She just looked at me. I think maybe because she knew I annoyed... or perhaps because she was suddenly afraid of the stranger holding the door for her who carried rope around in his car.
Is it seriously so bad that, had they been my kids, I would have had them tied up and probably stuffed in the trunk with the rope? Ok... I suppose I probably wouldn't really do that. But it's a good thing I've decided against ever having children because, in all seriousness, I would probably have my children taken away and possibly even be jailed.
I tried the "parenting" thing with some pets. The only way I was able to keep from selling them to the Chinese restaurant down the street was because I was able to put them in the laundry room and close the door when they were bad. I know... I know... the animal people out there are going to hunt me down and kill me now. Trust me... it's better for the animals that I put them in there. Really.
When Pavlov, the dog, pissed on my $300 wool coat, I was... well... pissed. I had the coat dry-cleaned and all was well in the world. Two days later, he went into my closet, pulled the coat down from the hanger, and chewed the arm off. It was as if he was saying 'how dare you remove my urine from this coat... I shall return the favor by removing the arm from it as well' (and yes... in my head... Pavlov speaks proper English). He spent the rest of the night in the laundry room and almost a year on my shitlist. See? The laundry room is good when the alternative is Sweet n' Sour "Chicken" Pavlov at the drive-thru Chinese place.
As you can see, I don't mesh well with animals or children. They're basically the same thing, animals and kids. They're loud, they require constant attention, and when you're not looking, they'll piss on the floor and then try to hide. I know why I have this problem: I don't like ANYTHING that isn't self-sufficient. Pets... kids... adults... plants... they're all included. I myself am self-sufficient and I suppose I like others to be as well. If something can't take care of itself, I'll never be able to get past the "parenting" aspect of the relationship and actually bond with the thing. I shy away from pets... I shy away from kids... and I shy away from high maintenance friends.
Someone once told me that I'm this way because I fear responsibility. I don't see it that way at all. I'm very responsible for myself. I'm responsible at work. I can be trusted with money, secrets, and keys to your vault (no... seriously... send me the keys to your vault... *evil grin*). The way I see it, I don't like taking on other's responsibilities. Now before you say it, let me point out the obvious: kids and animals can't take care of themselves. I know this. But this exactly the reason that they're not for me.
I'm sure there are lots of good mommies and daddies for all the kids and cats and dogs out there. There are even good mommies and daddies out there for all of the plants on sale at Lowes. I'm just not one of them.
That being said... if I'd done the right thing... I'd have tied that woman to her kids, put them all in the laundry room, and done a load of whites with bleach. Or maybe I'd sell them to Buffalo Bill for a little extra cash. Then maybe she'd think twice about unleashing her horned embryos onto the rest of the world.
posted by Derick @ 1:13 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Two words for those kids -- duct tape. Or maybe bungie cords. No, duct tape. Bungie cords can only restrain them. Duct tape can be both a restraint and a gag. (And I got the duct tape idea from my students. They are often suggesting who could use a little duct tape.)
If tied tight enough, couldn't a bungie cord also serve as a gag?
Call me old-fashioned, but if I were to use duct tape on their mouths, I'd probably start with a nice big apple in the mouth first... and finish off with a double strip of tape to seal the deal, so to speak.
Being a Mom myself, I can say that she should have accepted your offer and at least had a peaceful trip home. I'd like to think that my kids are only hellions in the privacy of my own home when no one is around to witness my maniacal screaming at them to stop. :) Seriously, though, being a parent, 'those' kids drive me insane as well, but don't blame the child. Blame the parent for not stepping in to action and doing something about the behavior. *side note* I'm finding myself wasting hours reading your blog and I feel a little dirty...like a stalker, or something. :)
Melissa, I am not a mom, but I am a teacher. I do not blame the children. It is the fault of the parents. Obviously the kids act this way because the parents have let them believe that this is acceptable behavior.
Whenever I say, "God I hope no child of mine would ever act that way," my friends reply,"They wouldn't because they would know from you that this is not acceptable."
It's kind of like my students. I tell them when we have company, like a sub, or we're in public, I expect them to act better than when it's just me around.
I've noticed that kids who misbehave in public seem to have similar parents: the type who so utterly and completely ignore their children that, when misbehavior occurs, it goes unnoticed. I think it's a learned behavior on the part of the parents. They've become so used to ignoring their kids at home that they simply carry the behavior with them into public.
What gripes me, however, is that some of us have not mastered the art of complete ignorance of screaming children. We are left to deal with the headache of their children while they live peacefully in their self-constructed world of silence. It's just not right... haha.
And Melissa... 1) Thanks for reading 2) Thanks for controlling your kids in public and 3) I think it's only considered stalking when I have to change my phone number ;)
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